he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
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