If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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