she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
