it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
