remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Randomize
