I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
