god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
