Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
