he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
