Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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