I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize
