Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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