apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
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