tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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