I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
