Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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