Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
