i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
