Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
The feeling are messing with the penis
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
