yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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