These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
