So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
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