Whod you bang
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
