my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
