Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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