So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
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