She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
