if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
