3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
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