Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
