I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
