I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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