Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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