Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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