I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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