i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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