She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
