good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
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