You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
