guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Randomize
