If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
