I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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