so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
