she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Randomize
