He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
