i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Randomize
