Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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