the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Randomize
