the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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