i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
