If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Damn victory sex feels great
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
