You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
